the Wired Press - Oakland shows support for Raiders by burning down city

Monday, January 27, 2003

Oakland shows support for Raiders by burning down city

Oakland, CA - Oakland residents, following a huge loss in the Super Bowl to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, decided to show their support for the Raiders by throwing rocks at law enforcement, injuring 3 firefighters, setting dozens of cars ablaze, and wasting more oxygen with their futile existence.

Oakland, which is a city enriched with culture and diversity, is a wonderful place to call home. As long as you avoid International Boulevard, Jack London Square, Broadway and the Bayfair Mall when fans are celebrating, you will find this to be a safe city to visit and possibly raise your children.

International Boulevard was renamed several years ago from East 14th Street, an attempt to revitalize the city and confuse tourists into believing that they were in a safe neighborhood. It is believed that the city also renamed the street in an attempt to confuse drug dealers and other criminals, hoping that finding there was no longer an East 14th, they would wander away and finally make something of themselves.

International Boulevard has become the official spot for Raider afterparties. Many events took place yesterday night, from sideshows, to public drunkenness, to throwing rocks at passing vehicles. They even showed the world how much they love Raiders by surrounding and attempting to flip over cars as they drove through their party. There was also facepainting for the kids. All this as an attempt to let the Raiders know how proud the city was of them and how much they love them.

"After that last interception was returned for a touchdown, me and Kenny decided what better way to show our support than to cruise to International and light this muthafucka up?!" exclaimed East Oakland resident Terry Parker. "We need to show our support, you know? We're proud of those guys."

Parker and his homies proceeded to smash storefront windows along the boulevard, looting and pillaging throughout the neighborhood and gathering their booty, or what they referred to as "free shit."

"Those guys have nothing to be ashamed of," said Jacob Smith of San Leandro, as he lifted a stroller from an unlocked car and then began to torch the vehicle. "It was one hell of a season."

"Wow, it's almost like the 4th of July," said Samara Lewis as she watched the beautiful orange and red glow cast from the burning city.

The city hasn't decided yet whether or not to honor the Raiders with a celebratory parade. But sources say that Reebok has been contacted with orders for bulletproof AFC Champion vests for the returning players, which would indicate another day of pride and purpose for the city of Oakland.

- CC

Editor's note: The author of this story is indeed a Raider fan. This story was written to poke fun at the idiots who enjoy destroying their own neighborhoods while creating a distorted generalization of Raider fans. These people were not fans, they were just looking for an excuse to riot and push their lives even further into uselessness. The story is no way meant to degrade all residents of Oakland, just the ones who think a football game is a great excuse to show the world their ignorance.