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Thursday, November
18, 2004 Federal Communications Commission Chief Michael Powell said in an interview today that he was appalled by what he saw during the opening of Monday Night Football this week, but delighted at the hot new Coors Light Twins commercial. The promo showed Nicollette Sheridan of ABC's Desperate Housewives trying to seduce Terrell Owens into skipping the game before dropping her towel and jumping into his arms. Powell's offices were flooded by calls from all over the country from innocent God-fearing people completely up-in-arms about ABC's stunt. "We here at the FCC work very hard making sure that we protect the American public, not only from themselves, but from the evil that lurks in the dark alleys of the American airwaves. Whether it be radio or television, we will not stop until America is completely pussified. "I often use my very own manhood to gauge the penalty in these situations. I throw on my boxers with the excitement gauge embroidered around the 'easy-access' hole. This one was definitely an 8 out of ten. Definitely. Oooh yeah." Since the nipplegate scandal at this year's Super Bowl, the FCC has been making sure that our airwaves are squeaky clean, protecting America's youth from the cursing, filth, sexual promiscuity, adultery and utter chaos that they should only be experiencing in their own broken homes and trailer parks. "I wonder if Walt Disney would be proud," stated Powell. He went on to say that seeing that "sexy, mouthwatering woman's long, smooth back and thick, tanned ass" would have been too much for Disney, yet stating the violence in Kill Bill, put out by another Disney company, was okay since "That did nothing to my excitement gauge." Tony Dungy, head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, adjusted the chip on his shoulder in order to say that he found the promo to be racially offensive to African Americans. "Here you have Terrell Owens, a black athlete placed into the role of a sexual predator. The black man lusting after the white man's woman. Then she strips naked and jumps into his arms. Any black man knows that wouldn't happen like that. Hasn't Dogfart taught you white men anything?" Powell finished up his interview today saying that although he was appalled by the ABC incident, he was rather pleased at the new Coors Lights Twins 30-second spot and the sexy Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfits. "Damn, them are some fine, busty twins. And mud wrestling in scantily clad bikinis with their hot, sopping wet bodies slapping up against each other pelvic to pelvic and skin to skin, no less. Can life get better?" he asked, just before cracking a cold one and adjusting his boxers. "That's different. That's art."
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