Monday, August 25, 2004

Bob Dole to draft War Wounding Guidelines

Washington, D.C. - Senator Bob Dole, who has been very critical of presidential candidate John Kerry's Vietnam service record, will draft a War Wounding Document to help the average American better determine what constitutes an honorable war injury.

"A compound fracture combined with pericardial shrapnel would absolutely constitute a respectable injury - however pericardial shrapnel alone would not, unless the combined weight of all the pieces of shrapnel were in excess of .27 kilograms and were carried in the body for longer than 15 years," said Dole.

When asked about his own injuries sustained in World War II, Dole rated them as 7.9 on a ten point scale, adding that the fact he must grasp a writing instrument to keep his arm in place technically counts a prosthetic part and pushes him into the Level Orange degree of Honorable War Wounding.

Tom Ridge, will be co-authoring the document with Dole, due to his excellent work on the country's colorful terror alert levels.

-Clark Brandon

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