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ANN ARBOR, Michigan - Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer today announced the FDA’s approval of its latest drug Placebex©. It gained FDA approval in a record three days of clinical testing, because as FDA spokesman Monica Fernandez told TWP, “It doesn’t seem to actually do anything.”

The Placebex foundation

Herbert T. Sloan is credited with being the creator of Placebex and he explained in a press conference the inspiration for the revolutionary new medication.

“I kept noticing that in all our studies the 'control group' consistently had better results than the subjects receiving the actual drugs. People with headaches seemed to improve equally when, without their knowledge, some were given a placebo pill instead of our latest pain medication Painex©. Both groups had positive results, but the placebo group didn’t have the occasional secondary side effects of explosive diarrhea and spontaneous human combustion.”

Some critics are skeptical of the new drug, however, and claim there are problems with the drug that Pfizer would like to pretend doesn’t exist.

Jason Wong, an internist at Ann Arbor’s Great Lakes General Hospital, had his reservations about the new drug, “But if someone knows that they are taking a placebo, doesn’t that negate the effect?”

“Nonsense,” says Herbert Sloan, “Placebex© also has a chemical that temporarily destroys the patients short term memory…I think it does anyway. I’m sorry, what were we talking about. Who the hell are you people?”

*If patients are told they are being given napalm pills, Placebex can cause discomfort and, rarely, more serious side effects, such as gastrointestinal bleeding, exploding eyeballs and gout which may result in hospitalization and even fatal outcomes such as spontaneous human combustion and theoretical collapse/implosion due to an enormous gravity field. Although serious GI tract ulcerations and bleeding can occur without warning symptoms, patients should be alert for the signs and symptoms of turning into pillars of salt, and should ask for medical advice when observing any indicative signs or symptoms. Patients should be apprised of the importance of this.

- Clark Brandon